Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. @ -Dennis Wholey
Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you're drunk.
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
If you were able to believe in Santa Claus for like 8 years, you can believe in yourself. You got this.
I wear black to the gym because it's like a funeral for my fat.
Taking naps sounds so childish. I prefer to call them horizontal life pauses.
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first. @ -Steve Irwin
Don't let idiots ruin your day.
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection. @ -Drake
An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
I know I'm a handful but that's why you got two hands.
I don't go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
Dance like no one is watching, but text, post and email like it will be read in court one day. @ -Your Lawyer
Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.
If I cut you off, chances are, you handed me the scissors.
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are. @ -Will Ferrell
I'm actually not funny. I'm just really mean and people think I'm joking.
I am not lazy, I am on energy saving mode.
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says "I'm possible!" @ -Audrey Hepburn
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, eat cake.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. @ -Ron White
Finally my winter fat is done. Now I have spring rolls.
Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason. @ -Mark Twain
Everyone has a chapter they don't read out loud.
My brain has too many tabs open.
I've been single for a while and I have to say, It's going really well. Like…It's working out. I think I'm the one. @ -Emily Hunter
The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog. @ -Mark Twain
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. @ -Brian White
I am instantly 70% nicer after 3pm on Fridays.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. @ -John F. Kennedy
Worrying is like paying a debt you don't owe. @ -Mark Twain
They told me I couldn't. That's why I did it.
When we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness - and call it love - true love. @ -Robert Fulghum
I don't even believe myself when I say I'll be ready in 5 minutes.
If it doesn't open, it's not your door.
They laugh at me because I'm different; I laugh at them because they're all the same. @ -Kurt Cobain
They told me I couldn't. That's why I did.
During the day, I don't believe in ghosts. At night, I'm a little more open-minded.
If we're not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
My life feels like a test I didn't study for.
Cut off fake people for real reasons, not real people for fake reasons.
Some days I amaze myself. Other days I put my keys in the fridge.
Please cancel my subscription to your issues.
Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid. @ -John Wayne
I opened two gifts this morning. They were my eyes.
Better days are coming. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Ask for help, they laugh. Do it yourself, they hate.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. @ -Abraham Lincoln
Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. @ -Oprah Winfrey
Life is a one time offer, use it well.
What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing 'k' instead of 'ok'?
You can't make everyone happy. You're not an avocado.
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. @ -Prince Philip
'You attract what you fear.' Oh my God, I'm scared of $10.6 Billion.
I made a huge to-do list for today. I just can't figure out who's going to do it.
The best advice I've ever received is, 'No one else knows what they're doing either. @ -Ricky Gervais
Sorry for being late. I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes of not being here.
Being an adult is like folding a fitted sheet. No one really knows how.
A day without laughter is a day wasted. @ -Charlie Chaplin
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. @ -Steven Wright
If you think you are too small to make a difference, you haven't spent a night with a mosquito.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
You have to learn to get up from the table when love is not being served. @ -Nina Simone
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. @ -Phyllis Diller
If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie. After a while it won't feel like you are alone anymore.
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something sometime in your life. @ -Winston Churchill
If it costs you your peace, then it is too expensive.
Rule number one is, don't sweat the small stuff. Rule number two is, it's all small stuff. @ -Robert Eliot
Hold on, I've gotta overthink about it.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. @ -Miles Kington
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. @ -Mark Twain
No one is perfect - that's why pencils have erasers. @ -Wolfgang Riebe
You were born an original. Don't die a copy. @ -John Landis Mason
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. @ -Thomas Edison
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. @ -Bill Murray
Control your life like you control your belongings, if you don't like where it's at, move it or improve it.
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary.
My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you're a banana. @ -The Golden Girls
The road to success is always under construction. @ -Lily Tomlin
Ten years from now you'll laugh at whatever's stressing you out today. So why not laugh now? @ -Tony Robbins
Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. @ -Mark Twain
Life begins at forty.
Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday. @ -Ann Brashares
This life's hard, but it's harder if you're stupid. @ -George V. Higgins
Never miss a good chance to shut up. @ -Will Rogers
Procrastinate now, panic later.
When someone tells me "no," it doesn't mean I can't do it, it simply means I can't do it with them. @ -Karen E. Quinones Miller
Embrace the glorious mess that you are. @ -Elizabeth Gilbert
I guess I'm a little weird. I like to talk to trees and animals. That's okay though; I have more fun than most people. @ -Bob Ross
I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way. @ -Carl Sagan
Everybody's a teacher if you listen. @ -Doris Roberts
I don't stop when I'm tired, I stop when I'm done.
Your life can't fall apart if you never had it together!
When nothing goes right, go left.
If size really mattered, the elephant would be the king of the jungle.
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. @ -Steve Martin
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes! @ -Billy Connolly
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you'll get if you're able to 'fall asleep right now.'
They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they'd make up their minds. @ -Wilt Chamberlain
If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.
Out of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most. @ -Mark Twain
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. @ -Phyllis Diller
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. @ -Phyllis Diller
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. @ -Will Rogers
The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. @ -Oscar Wilde
If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun. @ -Katharine Hepburn
If at first you don't succeed, fix your ponytail, and try again.
You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
My goal is to build a life I don't need to vacation from. @ -Rob Hill Sr
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. @ -Lucille Ball
Making excuses burns zero calories per hour.
Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat. @ -Harry Emerson Fosdick
Life is too short for fake butter, cheese, or people.
Monday is the perfect day to correct last week's mistakes.
Never make fun of someone who mispronounces a word. It means they learned it by reading.
Every Friday, I like to high five myself for getting through another week on little more than caffeine, will power, and inappropriate humor. @ -Nanea Hoffman
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. @ -Alan Dundes
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on. @ -Robert Frost
Snaughling: Laughing so hard you snort, then laugh because you snorted, then snort because you laughed.
If you look at the world the same way when you're 50 that you did when you were 20, then you wasted 30 years. @ -Muhammad Ali
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. @ -Mark Twain
A sad soul can kill you quicker than a germ. @ -John Steinbeck
Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. @ -Albert Einstein
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. @ -Flip Wilson
A clean house is a sign of a wasted life.
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. @ -Thomas Edison
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying. @ -Oscar Wilde
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. @ -Mitch Hedberg
Is 'ugh' an emotion? Because I fell it all the time.
Don't judge a book by it's cover. My math book has a picture of someone enjoying themselves on it, but I am not enjoying myself at all.
Weekends are a bit like rainbows; they look good from a distance but disappear when you get up close to them. @ -John Shirley
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? @ -Robin Williams
Music always sounds better on Friday. @ -Lou Brutus
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt. @ -Charles M. Schulz
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often. @ -Oliver Herford
Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done.
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. @ -Erica Jong
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room. @ -Marissa Meyer
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?  @ -George Carlin
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. @ -Albert Einstein
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. @ -Rodney Dangerfield
I don't need time. What I need is a deadline. @ -Duke Ellington
If you don't like me, why do you waste your time making fun of me? @ -Chad Anderson
If you're not confused, you're not paying attention. @ -Tom Peters
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. @ -Abraham Lincoln
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
Why do people say no offense right before they're about to offend you?
Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside - remembering all the times you've felt that way. @ -Charles Bukowski
Choose a major you love and you'll never work a day in your life because that field probably isn't hiring.
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. @ -Cathy Guiswite
When nothing is going right, go left.
The risk I took was calculated, but man, I am bad at math.
Life is not always a matter of holding good cards, but sometimes, playing a poor hand well. @ -Jack London
You call it procrastination, I call it thinking. @ -Adam Grant
Why do they put pizza in a square box?
There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves. @ -Will Rogers
Life is too important to be taken seriously. @ -Oscar Wilde
Life is like the ocean, it goes up and down. @ -Vanessa Paradis
Let's get crazy. @ -Bob Ross
The older you get the better you get, unless you are a banana. @ -Betty White
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell – you see, I have friends in both places. @ -Mark Twain
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? @ -George Carlin
Why can't someone look at me the same way I look at pizza.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. @ -Andy McIntyre
Procrastination is the thief of time. @ -Charles Dickens
Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'. @ -Shawshank Redemption
A good way to prepare yourself for parenthood is to talk to rocks because they have similar listening habits. @ -Rodney Lacroix
Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer. @ -Ellen DeGeneres
I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened. @ -Mark Twain
Life really does begin at forty. Up until then, you are just doing research. @ -Carl Gustav Jung
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening. @ -Alexander Woollcott
The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream. @ -Bill Murray
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. @ -Ellen DeGeneres
If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out. @ -Lawrence Ferlinghetti
I pulled an all-dayer today. It was rough.
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. @ -Dr. Seuss
We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience. @ -George Bernard Shaw
If your hair is done properly and you're wearing good shoes, you can get away with anything.
I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. @ -Rita Rudner
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?  @ -George Carlin
My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition. @ -Indira Gandhi
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. @ -Albert Einstein
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. @ -Dave Barry
If you can't pronounce it, don't eat it.
Do crabs think we walk sideways?  @ -Bill Murray
Never follow anyone else's path. Unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path. @ -Ellen DeGeneres
The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache. @ -Marjorie Pay Hinckley
When I look into the future, it's so bright it burns my eyes. @ -Oprah Winfrey
Why join the navy if you can be a pirate? @ -Steve Jobs
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. @ -Charles M. Schulz
I always say, don't make plans, make options. @ -Jennifer Aniston
Do not worry if others do not understand you. Instead worry if you do not understand others. @ -Confucius
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. @ -Mark Twain
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. @ -A. A. Milne
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. @ -Norm Crosby
Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. @ -Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Life is too short to miss out on the beautiful things like a double cheeseburger. @ -Channing Tatum
If you think adventures are dangerous, try routine: it's lethal. @ -Paulo Coelho
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you. @ -Groucho Marx
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. @ -Margaret Mead
I don't trust anyone who doesn't laugh. @ -Maya Angelou
I am a slow walker, but I never walk back. @ -Abraham Lincoln
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two. @ -Norman Wisdom
According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog. @ -Jay Leno
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. @ -Billy Sunday
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. @ -Mitch Hedberg
And then I thought to myself, 'what's the point of cleaning if my family is going to keep living here?'
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. @ -Robert Frost
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. @ -Steven Wright
My life didn't please me, so I created my life. @ -Coco Chanel
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear. @ -Mark Twain
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it. @ -Clarence Darrow
A hangover is the wrath of grapes. @ -Dorothy Parker
Cheese, wine, and friends must be old to be good. @ -Cuban Proverb
What a nice night for an evening. @ -Steven Wright
Dogs are animals that poop in public and you're supposed to pick it up. After a week of doing this, you've got to ask yourself, "Who's the real master in this relationship?". @ -Anthony Griffin
Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children. @ -Sam Levenson
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does. @ -Seneca
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. @ -Isaac Asimov
I'm not afraid... I was BORN for this. @ -Joan of Arc
Your best teacher is your last mistake. @ -Ralph Nader
You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.
A watched pot never boils.
You can't be sad when you're holding a cupcake.
I'm not going to miss 95% of life to weigh 5% less. @ -Dan Pearce
Either get busy living or get busy dying. @ -Stephen King
Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless. @ -Bill Watterson
Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something. @ -William Goldman
If you've never eaten while crying you don't know what life tastes like. @ -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
My wife told me the other day that I don't take her to expensive places any more, so I took her to the gas station.
I walk slowly but I never walk backward. @ -Abraham Lincoln
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. @ -Mark Twain
I never feel more alone than when I'm trying to put sunscreen on my back. @ -Jimmy Kimmel
A man can't ride your back unless it's bent. @ -Martin Luther King Jr.
I am prepared for the worst, but hope for the best. @ -Benjamin Disraeli
When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. @ -Erma Bombeck
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.  @ -W.C. Fields
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. @ -Steven Wright
Don't ever wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, but the pig will enjoy it. @ -Cale Yarborough
Exercise is a dirty word. Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate. @ -Charles M. Schulz
It's not bragging if you can back it up. @ -Muhammad Ali
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. @ -Steven Wright
Life is short, wear your party pants! @ -Loretta LaRoche.
If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it? @ -Steven Wright
The robbed that smiles steals something from the thief. @ -Othello
Playing dress-up begins at age five and never truly ends. @ -Kate Spade
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. @ -Oscar Wilde
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as if nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is a miracle. @ -Albert Einstein
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it. @ -George Carlin
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. @ -Phyllis Diller
If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you. @ -Oscar Wilde
I realized being a father is the greatest job I have ever had and the greatest job I will ever have. @ -Dwayne Johnson
You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out. @ -Jerry Seinfeld
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. @ -Oscar Wilde
Collect books, even if you don't plan on reading them right away. Nothing is more important than an unread library. @ -John Waters
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else. @ -Ann Landers
The thing about creativity is, people are going to laugh at it. Get over it. @ -Twyla Tharp
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living.  @ -Dr. Seuss
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. @ -Al McGuire
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. @ -Franklin P. Jones
Life's not all beer and skittles.
Knock knock, who's there? Weekend!
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?  @ -Steven Wright
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed. @ -Mark Twain
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis. @ -Ralph Waldo Emerson
You're a human being, you live once and life is wonderful, so eat the damn red velvet cupcake. @ -Emma Stone
How did it get so late so soon? @ -Dr. Seuss
"Fries or salad?" sums up every adult decision you have to make. @ -Aparna Nancherla
Health is merely the slowest way someone can die.
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. @ -Mark Twain
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. @ -Jackie Gleason
If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking. @ -George S. Patton
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. @ -Albert Einstein
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. @ -Fred Allen
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. @ -Jules Renard
To travel is to discover that everyone is wrong about other countries. @ -Aldous Huxley
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. @ -Thomas Sowell
Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away. @ -Benjamin Franklin
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. @ -Mark Twain
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome. @ -Isaac Asimov
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. @ -Winston Churchill
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces. @ -Will Rogers
I haven't been everywhere, but it's on my list. @ -Susan Sontag
My brain is like Google Images. @ -Dr. Temple Grandin
If only we could pull out our brain and use only our eyes. @ -Pablo Picasso
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. @ -Steven Wright
Many people treat their bodies as if they were rented from Hertz.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. @ -Mark Twain
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. @ -Paul Fix
When life throws lemons at you, make lemonade with them.
I was just viciously body shamed by my mirror. @ -Danny Zuker
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. @ -Walter Matthau
Drive slow and enjoy the scenery – drive fast and join the scenery. @ -Douglas Horton
Life is too short to learn German. @ -Oscar Wilde
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. @ -Mitch Hedberg
My neighbor has two dogs. One of them says to the other, Woof!" The other replies, "Moo!" The dog is perplexed. "Moo? Why did you say 'Moo'?" The other dog says, "I'm trying to learn a foreign language." @ -Morey Amsterdam
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? @ -George Carlin
Fish and guests smell after three days.
Patience is the art of concealing your impatience. @ -Guy Kawasaki
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. @ -Steven Wright
What is a home without children? Quiet. @ -Henny Youngman
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. @ -François Duc de la Rochefoucauld
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. @ -Rodney Dangerfield
I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up. @ -Benjamin Franklin
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. @ -Steven Wright
My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers. @ -Jimmy Carter
Months have an average of 30 days, except the 9th month of pregnancy which has about 1,000 days.
I don't really understand why it's considered normal to stare into someone's eyeballs. @ -John Elder Robison
I don't weigh myself because most scales don't know how heavy all the grudges im holding onto are. 
A learning experience is one of those things that says, 'You know that thing you just did? Don't do that. @ -Douglas Adams
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. @ -Joan Rivers
Stupid is as stupid does.
Life would be tragic if it weren't funny. @ -Stephen Hawking
Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Half a loaf is better than no bread.
Everybody does have a book in them, but in most cases that's where it should stay. @ -Christopher Hitchens
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. @ -Fred Allen
Anybody's soap is superior to somebody else's stink killer. @ -Martin H. Fischer
Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist. @ -Michael Levine
Sane is boring.  @ -R. A. Salvatore
Learning without wisdom is a load of books on a donkey's back. @ -Zora Neale Hurston
Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright. @ -Laurell K. Hamilton
Test fast, fail fast, adjust fast. @ -Tom Peters
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. @ -Steven Wright
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. @ -Abe Lemons
I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it. @ -Mark Twain
Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth. @ -Muhammad Ali
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. @ -Rodney Dangerfield
I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any. @ -Mark Twain
There is a brilliant child locked inside every student. @ -Marva Collins
There was nothing like a Saturday – unless it was the Saturday leading up to the last week of school and into summer vacation. @ -Nora Roberts
Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. @ -Will Rogers
Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for. @ -Jerry Seinfeld
I'm so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark. @ -Muhammad Ali
Defeat isn't bitter if you don't swallow it.
Don't be so humble – you are not that great. @ -Golda Meir
Even the genius asks his questions. @ -Tupac
Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week. @ -Spanish proverb
I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
The problem with doing nothing is not knowing when you're finished. @ -Benjamin Franklin
I love Saturday nights with my best friend and a big bowl of pasta, wanting a good scare, something that will say, 'Listen, your life is not as bad as this. Your life can be so much worse'. @ -Vera Farmiga
When people point at my pregnant belly and ask if I know what it's going to be, I like to say, 'We're hoping for a baby.'
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society. @ -Mark Twain
The bread always falls buttered side down.
When nothing is done, nothing is left undone. @ -Lao Tzu
I told myself that I was going to live the rest of my life as if it were Saturday. @ -Chip Gaines
A boss on vacation is the most cost effective measure. Everybody in the office has a vacation at the cost of one. @ -Thibaut
I'd like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money. @ -Pablo Picasso
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen. @ -Mark Twain
I shall not die of a cold. I shall die of having lived. @ -Willa Cather
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. @ -Abraham Lincoln
People always say that pregnant women have a glow. And I say it's because you're sweating to death. @ -Jessica Simpson
There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it. @ -Mindy Kaling
Thank goodness I was never sent to school; it would have rubbed off some of the originality. @ -Beatrix Potter
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. @ -Emo Philips
I feel the need to endanger myself every so often. @ -Tim Daly
I am not young enough to know everything. @ -Oscar Wilde
It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life. @ -Terry Pratchett
Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. @ -Albert Camus
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. @ -Les Dawson
If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to the library. @ -Frank Zappa
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month. @ -Theodore Roosevelt
Don't put new wine into old bottles.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. @ -Steven Wright
Men cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter. @ -James A. Garfield
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it. @ -Rodney Dangerfield
I don't sweat the small stuff.
This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. @ -Oscar Wilde
Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have plans. @ -Mike Birbiglia
The dog doesn't know the difference between Saturday, Sunday, and Monday, so I have to walk the dog early those days too. @ -Donna Shalala
I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book. @ -Groucho Marx
Of course its heavy, that's why they call it weight.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. @ -George Carlin
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. @ -Steven Wright
Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper. @ -Francis Bacon
Eating is overrated and sleep is underrated.
Puns are the highest form of literature. @ -Alfred Hitchcock
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. @ -George Carlin
No intelligent idea can gain general acceptance unless some stupidity is mixed in with it. @ -Fernando Pessoa
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?  @ -Steven Wright
Life is too short to finish anything.
Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2000 of something. @ -Mitch Hedberg
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. @ -Robert Benchley
Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can't do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over. @ -Jerry Seinfeld
What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.
I can live for two months on a good compliment. @ -Mark Twain
Education can get you the only thing that really matters in today's world – an assigned parking space. @ -Gene Perret
The human body is the best work of art. @ -Jess C. Scott
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people. @ -Mitch Hedberg
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. @ -Mark Twain
The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. @ -Gore Vidal
I'm not young enough to know everything. @ -J.M. Barrie
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. @ -Steven Wright
The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop. @ -Mark Twain
The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management. @ -Scott Adams
The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little. @ -Mark Twain
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. @ -George Carlin
Processed foods not only extend the shelf life, but they extend the waistline as well. @ -Karen Sessions
I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train. @ -Oscar Wilde
The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast. @ -Oscar Wilde
Definition of a College professor: someone who talks in other people's sleep. @ -W.H. Auden
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. @ -Kurt Vonnegut
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by then I was too famous. @ -Robert Benchley
My forte is awkwardness. @ -Zach Galifianakis
I feel a very unusual sensation - if it is not indigestion, it must be gratitude. @ -Benjamin Disraeli
Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand. @ -Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? @ -Abraham Lincoln
Cumulative final exams are like fights in relationships. Why must we continue to bring up the past? What's done is done.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. @ -Mark Russel
Know which side your bread is buttered.
Life without adventure is like pizza without cheese. @ -The Global Castaway
I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons. @ -Douglas Adams
What's another word for Thesaurus?  @ -Steven Wright
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. @ -John Glenn
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. @ -Bill Watterson
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. @ -Mitch Hedberg
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here. @ -Arthur C. Clarke
Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future. @ -Niels Bohr
A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. @ -George Bernard Shaw
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. @ -Mark Twain
Keep your sense of humor, my friend; if you don't have a sense of humor it just isn't funny anymore. @ -Wavy Gravy
The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity. @ -Voltaire
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. @ -Rodney Dangerfield
When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is. @ -Oscar Wilde
All generalizations are false, including this one. @ -Mark Twain
So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays. @ -Tim Vine
Life in a box is better than no life at all, I expect. You'd have a chance at least. You could lie there thinking: Well, at least I'm not dead. @ -Tom Stoppard
If I'd known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself. @ -Eubie Blake
The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. @ -Stanley Randall
Hating people because of their color is wrong. And it doesn't matter which color does the hating. It's just plain wrong. @ -Muhammad Ali
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?  @ -George Carlin
It's only because of their stupidity that they're able to be so sure of themselves. @ -Franz Kafka
When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman. @ -Garry Shandling
There is one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says 'yes', you know he is crooked. @ -Groucho Marx
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. @ -Elbert Hubbard
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times. @ -Mark Twain
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn't met me yet. @ -Rodney Dangerfield
A lot of people think the whole purpose of life is just to collect stuff. You've seen the bumper sticker: "He who dies with the most toys, wins." The truth is, "He who dies with the most toys... Still dies!" @ -Rick Warren
In this horrible time, let us at least be bolstered by small miracles like finding out your ex moved to a different city. @ -Aparna Nancherla
To get back my youth, I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable. @ -Oscar Wilde
I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later. @ -Mitch Hedberg
I am not an inventor. I steal everything. @ -Anne Bogart
Life's problems are a small thing to a giant like you, and you are oh so tall.
Brevity is the soul of wit.
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? @ -Jerry Seinfeld
Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers. @ -Matt Groening
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. @ -Warren Buffett
What was your key motivation for this piece? The due date.
The scale is merely a measure of my relationship with gravity. @ -Lauren Harris Pincus
